/late night

So I've been working at the preschool for about two months now. Just long enough, really, for me to start my usual itch for something else. I really think that I am an experience junkie, and once I've gotten a good panoramic view, tasted the food, seen the customs, and heard a bit of the local music, I'm ready to pack my backpack and fly. I even caught myself checking out a new ministry in New York on my lunch break today.

The major problem with this is that I haven't even given myself an adequate chance to see what God has plopped me down here for. I know that I've got things yet to do here. Surely the plan was not for a classroom of toddlers to get used to hearing my singing voice just long enough for it to haunt them for the rest of their lives, then vanish like a vapor. That last sentence didn't make any sense -- you'll forgive me, of course, since it's so late, and just not capatilizing mid-sentence seems to be a unique challenge for me right now.

Back to the issue at hand though. Why is commitment such a phantom in my life? I know plenty, and have heard of even more people who have a lifelong, passionate vision for where they will place their lives. I do have a passion to love people, and be an encouragement and example to believers and nonbelievers alike, but it's not a calling specific passion that drives me. I want to say that I'm just not close enough to God to be hearing His voice clearly enough (which is true, I'm definite), but I can't write my issue off to just that, because God has placed me in vastly different career paths in my short time in the job world, and I know that my flexibility and adaptability can be and have been a huge asset at times.

As I type this, I am being faced with a huge decision. I have the very real proposition of going back to school to get either a second bachelor's or to finish my master's in the field of early childhood education. A part of me sees this as an extremely sensible choice that will almost certianly help me attain more financial security in the long run. Is this simply the "holly plan" for my life though, or is it something that God might be calling me to. To be honest, right now I'm hearing the voice of my mother more than the voice of my Savior, but is she being wisdom in my life? I've gotta be honest, it's a really confusing time in my life. I'm truly lost about this whole thing.

I know that my fantasies about going back to the West Coast, embarking on a new Muslim ministry in New York, living in London, Kenya etc... are just little diversions for right now. I know I'm living the ride and may eventually look back on this as one of the closest and best times with God. I'm ready for the lights to come back on though, so I can see where I'm headed.